How do so many women fall into the grasps of a manipulator that bullies them. It is much easier than you think, but the way to stop is found here. It is possible.
Domestic violence is real, and a huge problem, but it can be reversed with knowledge and practice. Hope remains.
Abused women aren’t the only victims of being bullied in our society. Siblings, co-workers, or those with power and position can bully others.
Males can also be bullied by other men, and some women. Children aren’t exempt either, as we well know.
No matter your age, sexual orientation, or who is bullying you, following these steps will help.
Take the First Step to stop Being Bullied by reading this article. In it, you will learn to:
- Recognize a manipulator and their tactics.
- Identify why you are an easy victim or target.
- Discover action steps to implement.
STEP 1: Recognize a Manipulator and Their Tactics
A manipulator is also known as a bully. Bullies obviously need victims. Without them, they can’t bully anyone.
They seek out those they view easy to control and intimidate. Therefore, if a possible victim becomes aware of who is a manipulator, they can prevent becoming a victim.
If a victim begins to recognize the bully or manipulator’s tactics, they have taken their first step to setting themselves free of harm and abuse.
One of the most difficult challenges in identifying a bully or manipulator for a victim is not always knowing abuse includes more than just physical abuse.
Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual, financial, or spiritual. All it has to do is control the mind, will, and feelings of another person. Abuse treats someone as if they were an object to control and use rather than a person to value and cherish.
As a co-pastor, I witnessed men and women justify and defend behaviors of someone they believed they were in love with. They didn’t consider being struck and leaving bruises as abuse since they weren’t hospitalized.
STEP 2: Identify why you are an easy victim or target.
You may be wondering why this is a step when it is the bully with the problem and not yourself. Blame isn’t what we are discussing here.
Our greatest concern is that you are able to stop the bullying, and the only thing in your control is you.
You can’t control the manipulator and will never change them by confronting their tactics. They simply switch tactics.
What do I mean?
If your spouse, child, boss, or significant other is using guilt to make you cave in to get their way and you surprise them by not displaying any clue of the guilt felt within, they will push harder by trying to switch tactics and try to put fear in you.
If this is difficult to imagine, think of your children when younger. They whined to get their way. Sometimes we realized it and told them to quit or receive said consequence. Other times, tiredness won out and we caved in.
If they don’t obey, we remind them of their consequence, or come up with something we hope will work. Automatically, they will cry louder, fall to the floor, or yell hurtful statements at us to get their way.
Bullies keep pushing the same way with less obvious tactics. I’m not sure what changes to keep us from recognizing manipulation when older, but we do.
Remember, manipulation is only effective if it works to control you. Therefore, learning their tactics isn’t enough.
You must begin to identify what feeling is inside of you that creates a reaction interpreted by manipulators as a sign you can be easily controlled.
How do you do that?
By learning the three most common reasons we subconsciously allow ourselves to be manipulated. They are:
- Fear
- Being Too nice
- Guilt
- Fear
We might fear:
- loss of relationship
- disapproval of others
- making someone unhappy with us
We also fear the threats and consequences of the manipulator’s actions. What if they succeed at doing what they threaten?
- Being Too Nice
Being nice is a great quality, but being too nice is problematic. Everything in life should have balance.
Too nice means:
- enjoying being a giver
- making people happy at any cost
- taking care of other’s needs before your own
Victims tend to find satisfaction and self-worth when doing for others, meaning they feel good about themselves the most when pleasing others.
This becomes problematic when not having a clear sense of self and good boundaries. Manipulators sense this and use it to their own advantage.
- Guilt:
These types of victims feel responsible for some offense – real or imagined. They believe the lie that they should always put other people’s wants and needs ahead of their own.
As the victim attempts to apologize and explain, the manipulator piles on more guilt by making the victim feel the manipulator’s needs and wants are first and foremost. The manipulator actually tells the victim how wrong and selfish they are for putting their own needs ahead of the manipulators.
Not true!
In addition, manipulators define love as always doing what I want/need you to do. Therefore, if we have a different opinion, need, want or feelings, we are told we are unloving, and feel guilty if we express ourselves, or want to do something different.
STEP 3: Discovering Actions to Take
Now we have become aware of a manipulator’s tactics and what part of ourselves we need to work on, but the game isn’t over yet. We have more learning to do in order to move beyond or past the bully’s tactics.
moving beyond the manipulator’s tactics requires developing three things. Doing so will override your sense of fear, guilt, and the need to please others without boundaries. Do your best to develop each one so you can stop bullying in your life.
1. Develop a clear sense of self.
This means you need to know:
- who you are
- what you want
- what you feel
- what you like
- what you don’t like
God created you to be that caring and compassionate person. There is no need for you to apologize for being who God created you to be.
God doesn’t make mistakes.
On the other hand, none of us are perfect and should always examine ourselves as the Bible states. I know there is always room for improvement in my character!
Let’s clear up a couple of other misconceptions. Stating our needs, feelings, thoughts or interests DOES NOT MEAN we are selfish!
It is not selfish to know who you are or what you want. That’s healthy.
Selfishness is when one starts complaining that you always get what you want first, or whines that other’s always put you first. Boo-hoo.
And don’t forget the truth. When someone else demands that of you, they are the ones being selfish – even disrespectful of your personhood.
I know this is hard to retrain your brain, but it is the truth.
Jesus knew who he was. Because his identity was in the Father’s Word, he was not manipulated when people wanted him to do things the Father did not call him to do. He also wasn’t derailed when others defined him as crazy, or demon possessed.
Talk about a healthy self-esteem! He is our example, and we need to do our best to follow it.
2. Develop your ability to say “no” in the face of someone’s disapproval.
Disapproval is hard for most of us. It seems like a form of rejection, or we want to please.
How do you know when it becomes unhealthy?
Disappointment is a natural reaction when not reaching an expectation, or being able to get what you desire. It is part of life.
Most people will adjust and move on. Healthy people know that they don’t always get everything they want, even if what they want is legitimate.
What happens sometimes is as a child of a dysfunctional parent, a compassionate child wants to make the parent happy so much, they can’t stand disapproval or seeing disappointment.
With these people, manipulators spot this weakness as easy as birds spot worms. They then put on the acting ability and show disappointment or disapproval on their faces or in their tone of voice so they get you to do what they want.
It is time to learn to say “No”, regardless of your inside feelings. Remember, at first, they will move on to another tactic before finding some other victim, but it will happen if you keep this up.
3. Develop a higher tolerance for the other person’s negative reaction without backing down.
The manipulator’s negative reaction can create disappointment, sadness, and/or anger in us. We must get thicker skin; the way writers do when being critiqued.
You are normal if you don’t like it when disappointing someone else or feeling responsible for making them angrywhen not doing what he or she wants.
How do you not back down when feeling this way?
Show empathy. It is possible to show empathy to someone else’s sadness or hurt or even anger.
For example, you can say something like, “I know you had your heart set on the kids playing ball this summer. I know you played it and want them to play, too, but neither one of them have an interest and we only have one car. It’s just not possible. Is there another sport you think they might like, like soccer, swimming, or tennis?”
In this way, you acknowledge the other person’s hurt, disappointment or even anger without giving in to their demands. Not allowing yourself to be manipulated, forces them to back down, or move on to another person who is more easily manipulated.
Don’t let that be you!
Remember, a healthy relationship is characterized by mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom.
Your time, feelings, desires, and needs, deserve to be respected.
YOU can do this! God can and will help! He knows your every need and has been working on the answer.
He will give you strength to move forward and give you wisdom so you can stop being bullied!
Action Steps
© 2023, Jena Fellers. All rights reserved.
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