Raising a Child with Anxiety

It hit early. It hit hard, and I wasn’t prepared. It also created memories I’d rather keep hidden.

As a trained and experienced special ed teacher, I did not want to admit I didn’t know how to raise my toddler. Behavior modification was part of my skill set yet I was baffled by its ineffectiveness.

What I saw in the classroom couldn’t compare to my circumstances at home. 

My husband and I raised a child with anxiety – EXTREME ANXIETY before it had a name attached to it.

It is possible to defeat. I’m a survivor! 

Because of this being so close to my heart, I have helped, and enjoy helping, parents of children with anxiety disorders and adults suffering from anxiety.

Did you know most anxiety stems from fear?

According to Healthline, “Anxiety is your body’s natural response to stress”. It’s based on the fear of the future, whether one second from now to days from now.

Early Signs

Knowing my visual impairment would prevent me teaching my child colors and minimize art activities, we enrolled our sweet and compassionate daughter in preschool where she did more observing than participating.

At home she became defiant when least expected. Even the simple request for an apology took twenty-five minutes of sitting to do so.

Trying every technique taught in college when getting certified in preschool handicapped didn’t work. Everything failed.

After throwing a tantrum one day at four years of age, she finally went to time out. Afterwards we asked what she did wrong to ensure understanding except she had no idea.

She was as clueless to what she did wrong as we were her lack of understanding.

Not much time passed before our worst incident. When not getting what she wanted, she threw a fit that looked like she was reenacting the part of Helen Keller. All we could do was ignore and let it play out.

Our praying sure increased though. My husband and I muddled our way through, relying heavily on God’s strength and seeking His wisdom through prayer.

With this and the prevalence of ADHD in our family, we chose to home school.

More Signs of Anxiety

Months into first grade, stomach aches developed – school days only.

Reaching out to other home school moms, I paid attention to foods eaten, and allergies, before realization dawned. Tests.

Her anxiety rose on test days – even quizzes.

We’re talking about not feeling good, not wanting to get ready for school, working slowly, and bad attitude on test days. 

Took this mom over a year to realize the pattern. Two hours into the school day with this lackadaisical behavior and stomach problems and I finally caught on. I’d suddenly remember a test was in her last subject for that day, but she had remembered upon waking.

Offering normal rewards like when teaching, halted ambition and increased agitation. It could shut us down faster than a Venus fly trap catches a fly.

Extracurricular activities revealed difficulty in making friends, even though sweet and compassionate. Being friendly wasn’t the problem. Sensitivity created overreactions to simple statements and/or correction made by leaders or friends.

Fear of rejection probably was the culprit for it definitely became known when trying to send her to her room to calm down. Instead, a full-blown fit emerged resembling an attack dog for she thought she was hated and didn’t want to be separated. Definitely abnormal.

Being told no was interpreted as rejection. When unable to calm her quick enough, a two or three-hour tantrum would pursue.  We never knew if she would lash out or run away. Enduring was all my husband, and I could do.

Ways to Reduce Anxiety

Thankfully, such outbreaks lessened as God gave my husband and me the following ideas:

1. I reduced her stress by giving oral tests often, and occasionally writing her answers she gave.

2. To make criticism easier, I prefaced statements with a positive first.

“Your handwriting is so pretty. Can I show you a way to make it go faster?”

“You did a good job picking up your room. Looks like your books might fit on that shelf over there.”

This let her know I wasn’t mad at her, and she wasn’t a bad person.

3. Spontaneous rewards and praise for good work and behavior replaced normal reward systems. No more coaxing to work faster for a reward that incited meltdowns instead. Our “Caught Being Good” cards we created, were her favorite.

4. Detailed explanations about what to expect before new activities or events, eroded the fear of the unknown and continued to do so when entering the work force.

5. One year, my daughter and I developed a behavior system using black and white buttons together. The purpose was to learn to accept the word “no”, criticism, and correction. She learned negative reactions earned black buttons and consequences while white earned rewards. Hope for success was woven in as two white buttons canceled out a black button received.

6. Index cards with scripture on one side and a prayer on the other were read daily. (i.e.-God disciplines those He loves)

7. Catching signs of stress and frustrations early allowed me to give bear hugs to melt anxiety away before a tantrum could start. While embracing, I whispered, “What is bothering you?” or “What did you hear me say?”

Communication and understanding her were imperative.

Using these techniques God taught us allowed us to minimize tantrums and teach new thought patterns.

It was tough raising a child with extreme anxiety – there’s no doubt about it. Fear entered our minds more than we wanted to admit but it was worth it in the end.

We’re grateful she graciously attributes her recovery of an anxiety disorder to her father and me.

What I Learned Later

Until I had a child myself with these issues, I believed from my training that most of these behaviors came from bad parenting. I didn’t feel I was bad in my heart but doubt always niggled in the back of my head.

Some relief came when a diagnosis was given in high school. My suspicions were confirmed. She definitely had ADHD inattentive and oppositional defiance disorder (ODD), an extreme anxiety disorder.

My husband had ADHD, but I had never realized there was an inattentive type, previously referred to as ADD. Nor was I aware dyslexia and ODD often accompanied ADHD until then.

Brain Balance Achievement Centers sums it up best if you are unsure if your child has an issue with an Anxiety and/or Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

According to them, some anxiety is normal, but when it lasts days, weeks, or even months (like my daughter), it could mean the child has an extreme anxiety disorder and be related to Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

In young children, anxiety is often mistaken for shyness. Defiant behaviors are rare when a child is truly shy but exists with extreme anxiety.

Trying new things for the first time can heighten anxiety also.

Not understanding their feelings in stressful situations causes them to lash out in anger or frustration.

Extreme anxiety signs include:

1. The child does not accept, or tolerate, any form of criticism, even if the intent is to help them. They often choose a flight or fight response.

2. The child has tantrums, or outbursts, disrupting class. Extreme anxiety sparks frustration, leading to inappropriate behaviors. Their anxious thoughts could be about:

• test-taking
• finding friends at lunch or recess
• completing overwhelming schoolwork
• possible bullying

Behaviors with Oppositional Defiance Disorder vary from child to child and gender to gender. Common symptoms include:

• easily loses temper
• argues and fights
• will not follow rules
• blames others
• will not compromise
• seeks revenge, is spiteful
• frequently frustrated
• has difficulty concentrating
• doesn’t think before speaking
• low self-esteem
• has a hard time making friends

If you struggle with a child with an anxiety disorder or ADHD, let me help. Don’t handle this on your own. You’re invited to schedule a free call with me to listen, pray with you, and give assistance.

I’m still walking this journey with my grandchildren, and I’d love to help you not lose your mind by walking beside you through yours. With God, and together, we can endure to the end and defeat this!

It is possible for success!

Please share this post with anyone you know who might be raising a child with an anxiety disorder, ODD, or ADHD.

© 2024, Jena Fellers. All rights reserved.