On more than one occasion women have wanted to take out the word “obey” when saying their vows. I get it. Obeying is hard for everyone, but it is in God’s Word for a purpose. You see, in Ephesians 5, the Bible also tells the man to love his wife as Christ loved the church.
I don’t know any young woman who couldn’t handle that kind of love. They might feel undeserving, but would obey. I was blessed to find such a man.
If more men like this existed, and more women trusted God to wait, we wouldn’t find ourselves in such fixes. However, we live in a fallen world with all our imperfections. Harmful relationships are one result.
Good news!
Help is available for those abused. It is possible to start making changes now to protect ourselves, and increase our odds of preventing it from happening again.
We cannot change the person doing the manipulating, but we can change us! You see, manipulation is only effective if it works to control you.
It is important to identify the reasons or beliefs causing your susceptibility to manipulation. Here are the three most common reasons we allow ourselves to be manipulated.
1. Fear
Fear comes in many forms. We may fear the . . .
- loss of relationship
- disapproval of others
- making someone unhappy
- threats will be carried out by the manipulator
2. Too compassionate
A people-pleaser could be our nickname with this positive trait unleashed. We enjoy:
- Making others happy
- Giving and serving
- Meeting others needs
Manipulators thrive on taking advantage of these positive traits when little to no boundaries exist.
3. Guilt
Manipulators define love as always doing what I want/need you to do. Not doing so makes us feel guilty since we’re accused of not loving them. It’s easy to believe we’re selfish when not putting the manipulator’s demands first, so feel guilty doing anything for ourselves.
Take the Next Step
Having counseled, and as a parent of someone that has been abused, it’s important to always remember and follow the rule: Safety First. These suggestions are for getting started, and don’t take the place of seeing a professional, which I highly recommend.
- Observe yourself and identify situations in which fear, guilt, or people-pleasing tendencies are out of balance. If possible, journal them.
- Lower the fear barometer. Visualize the manipulator as a preschooler throwing a tantrum for that is precisely what manipulators are doing.
- Pray for safety and courage to stand your ground, and to see the way God sees you.
- Learn these truths to replace the lies you’ve been told.
- It is not selfish to know who you are or what you want. That’s healthy. Selfishness is demanding your own way and being first always.
- When you can’t accommodate someone else’s desires or needs, they naturally will feel disappointed. This is human, normal, healthy, and reality.
- You are special to God. He created you as a unique person with gifts and talents. He has a plan and purpose for you. You are good and forgiven.
- Not allowing yourself to be manipulated consistently, forces them to back down, before quitting or moving on to someone else who can be easily manipulated.
You deserve a “happily hereafter” whether with this person or someone better.
- Make a list of likes, dislikes, and feelings to know yourself better. You have lost your identity and need to get reacquainted with yourself again.
- Practice saying “No!”.
This is done by showing empathy for someone else’s sadness or hurt or even anger, without backing down or reversing our decision. Do so by acknowledging the other person’s hurt, disappointment or even anger without giving in to their demands.
(i.e. I know you don’t like being around my family, but I have spent Christmas here with you for three years without seeing them. My parents want to see their grandchildren open their presents and I want to go. They’re not getting together on Christmas Eve or Christmas, so it won’t affect our plans.)
7. Remember, Jesus wasn’t manipulated when people wanted him to do things the Father did not call him to do. He also wasn’t persuaded, nor caved in, when others defined him as crazy, or demon possessed.
Ask God for help and He will never leave nor forsake you.
I’m asking all prayer warriors to lift up women and children alike in abusive situations. Even some men fall victims. PRAY.
© 2021, Jena Fellers. All rights reserved.
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