Parenting is hard work. As a mom, I always wished children came with a guide, but they don’t. As a result, we make mistakes, overcompensate, and often beat ourselves up.
Whomever you are, know you did your best at the time with the knowledge you had. Now, I want to increase that knowledge so you can be an even better parent . . . regardless of how old your child is. How’s that sound? Good, I hope.
Our biggest mistake as a mom (or dad), is trying to fix everything for our child. We forget our real goal is to raise our children to be healthy, independent, Christian adults. That means, we need to quit trying to be the hero to our children, and let them become the hero.
Parents, especially moms, live with the false belief we need to have all the answers, sacrifice our own needs and desires, and do everything for our kids, in order to receive their love. Not true! God calls us to love and discipline our children.
It’s time we quit laying pillows around to protect our kiddos from their falls . . . at all ages! Doing so, cripples your child. It teaches him, or her, that he or she cannot be the owner of her own life because he or she isn’t trusted to make decisions for themselves, without your assistance.
This may seem harsh at first, but if we want to become a better mom, we must remember our basic job is to help your children NOT to need you when they grow up. I can attest to it being possible to have an enjoyable, healthy, and mature relationship with your children as adults.
Besides guiding your children to Jesus, and to have a personal relationship with Him, the following guidelines will help you go from being an enabler to empowering your children, adding more pleasure in life.
- Show unconditional love.
Unconditional love creates security from which the rest of life can be safely explored. That does not mean to accept all negative behaviors. It means your child knows mom loves him or her when he/she behaves poorly, or badly. A hug and “I love you” after you’ve calmed down, makes a huge difference. Treat your children the way you want God to treat you.
- Help children identify their emotions.
When your toddler or preschooler cries, hits, or stomps, give them words to associate with their feelings, helping express themselves better.
“I know you are tired.”
“You have to be hungry.”
“Oh, that made you mad.”
“You look sad.”
This still applies as they get older, and includes words like hurt, embarrassed, annoyed, frustrated, etc.
- Express emotions appropriately.
Setting boundaries or limitations teaches self-control. State the emotion your child is displaying first (validating or identifying). Continue by adding what isn’t an acceptable way to express it, and what is.
“I know you’re tired (or hungry or mad), but you cannot hit, kick, or bite mommy.”
No boundaries cause one to become “corrupt” or “deformed” as a person. Don’t let feelings start a wildfire, but rather be a useful fire for warmth.
- Facing reality builds confidence.
In attempts to make our children feel good about themselves, we sometimes inflate their abilities and talents, giving them a skewed vision of reality or truth. Avoid the lies of “You can do anything you want to do,” in hopes to build self-esteem. This is called false reality and will ultimately backfire when reality sets in.
Confidence in one’s ability is built by learning to do something well. Help your children “accept” reality rather than resist it. They will become happier rather than always getting upset when “reality” doesn’t bend to what he/she wants it to.
“This shot will sting for a minute, but won’t last long, and I am here with you.”
- Take personal responsibility.
Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities so they learn independence over dependence upon you. In other words, resist doing their homework, and allow a poor grade to be given. Let natural consequences occur.
- Identify the lies they believe and help them to think truthfully.
Children aren’t exempt from stinking thinking. They, too, lie to themselves. a good mom corrects her child’s thinking with the truth, as appropriate to the situation and his/her age.
If your child exclaims, “I’m stupid!” when doing homework or learning a new skill, resist doing it for him/her.
Instead, say, “You are not stupid. It just takes lots of practice. This can be tricky, so keep trying.”
“I’m ugly,” can be responded to by saying, “That shirt isn’t the best color on you. This one brings out your green eyes.”
To me, children are diamonds in the rough, and our job is to chip away to expose their beauty, rather than trying to mold them, like clay, into our creation.
Let’s Talk. Which guideline is the hardest for you?
Thanks for taking time to read and share with your friends. Let’s make the world a better place by starting with our children.
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© 2021, Jena Fellers. All rights reserved.
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