What dreams and expectations did you have about becoming a parent? I envisioned the usual – intelligent, talented, loyal, affectionate, compassionate, and super obedient. Did I mention obedient?
My education and experience teaching special education should make parenting a cinch, right? To boot, using behavior modification for three years while working at a boys’ group home for juvenile offenders, should help, too. Sounded good. Hmmm.
Forming an instant family upon marrying, I Faced challenges of ADHD, dyslexia, and ODD(oppositional defiance disorder). before they were even diagnoses. Unaffected, I forged ahead with all my knowledge and tricks to be a perfect parent.
Deciding to home educate our youngest added new challenges. While she was smart and caring, dyslexia and anxiety altered her learning style. Power struggles emerged, and the professional expert inside of me couldn’t control her. Frustrated from feeling like a failure revealed ugly reactions, making it difficult to differentiate who was the parent and who was the child.
Through time and much prayer my eyes were opened to several things. I might not be able to control all behavior, especially tantrums, but I definitely had an influence. my reactions added fuel to the fire or relieved anxiety, anger, and frustration.
Our parenting skills had always complimented each other, but I coveted how well my husband remained calm in any situation. No matter what their reaction was, he was able to control his, and remain calm. This appeared to help them calm down quicker too.
Maybe God could tell me how to persuade them to do what I wanted. That’s what control is, right? Or, maybe my husband had it right. We can’t make anyone think, feel, and behave the way we want them to, but we can control our own reactions…with practice. Maybe our focus should be on trying to teach our children to do the right things for the right reasons. Equip and empower.
Seems parents either let their children run all over them, or they try to control them, often justifying their parents did it the same way. They survived, but would they have flourished if their parents had done differently?
The truth is, tools are tools. Nothing, or no one, can force children to think, feel, or behave exactly the way you want. Even if they did, is that what you really want? The results would be robots or rebels instead of independent, respectful free-thinkers.
I was ecstatic when I discovered a parenting book that neatly packaged all God had been teaching me. “Scream-Free Parenting: A Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool” by Hal Edward Runkle reinforced the importance of staying calm, regardless of my child’s reactions, and what training a child should look like. It really offered a revolutionary approach to parenting.
Hal points out, “Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy as a parent.” We might not be able to control our children, but we can control our reactions to them. Emotional reactions don’t include screaming only. Manipulation, violence, neglect, punishment, and withholding love are all emotional reactions. As parents we need to be mindful not to fall into any of these emotional reactions.
One more thought. In marriage, work, ministry, clubs, and organizations, you’ll find this principle to hold true. Not only does it help in raising our children and grandchildren, but resides at the core of all relationships. Just something else to ponder upon.
Change your focus, and hopefully, your actions soon will follow. This is one time it’s okay to think upon yourself. LOL.
I love hearing from you and knowing your thoughts. If you enjoyed this, please share with your friends, as well as take a moment to read another related post or two. Be blessed. Please come again.
© 2016, Jena Fellers. All rights reserved.
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