Say goodbye to unhealthy relationships and hello to healthy ones
“Help! My daughter is in an abusive relationship.”
“My son is hanging out with the wrong crowd.”
No one desires to be the parent making these statements. Nor do we want to be the one in these relationships ourselves.
Relationships are how we relate to others, whether intimate or in a friendship. And all relationships are either healthy or unhealthy.
Healthy relationships are vital to long life and wellness. Unhealthy ones not only destroy and harm yourself, but the next generation. By being intentional, you can improve your life, those you love, and those around you.
While an unhealthy relationship needs extra assistance to become healthy, there are three necessary keys to make any relationship a healthy one.
No one intentionally seeks out an unhealthy relationship – it just happens. It’s not like we set goals or make lists on who and how to date, although it might not be a bad idea.
In fact, when we were pastoring a nondenominational church, Catholic Charities held a class for abused women for us, called “Sliding – Not Deciding”.
What does this mean?
Have you ever heard that in order to discover counterfeit money, you have to know what a real bill looks like? The same principle applies here.
If we don’t want to slide into an unhealthy relationship, we need to know what a healthy relationship looks like. We need to be intentional on following the three necessary keys to obtain and maintain a healthy relationship.
Learning Relationships
Let’s start with what children see.
The insides of homes are decorated with:
- domestic violence
- sexual, physical, emotional, verbal, financial, , . and even spiritual abuse
- no fathers or absentee fathers
- a new boyfriend every other week
- irresponsible parents due to addictions
- dysfunctional parents from a poor childhood
- children raising themselves, or worse, by violent video games or immoral songs
- tired grandparents with few rules
- jealous stepparents carrying baggage from previous relationships
- bullying half-brothers or sisters
Let’s face it, few of us are blessed enough to be raised by good parents, let alone Godly ones. I was one of the fortunate ones and am most thankful.
As a result of what our children see, unhealthy relationships sprout faster than dandelion weeds. The healthy ones are obscured from their vision.
Children are mirrors of what they see. They will duplicate without intervention of some kind.
It’s time we change our family and our world, by improving our marriage.
Some may need to take a marriage course or go to counseling, but everyone must be aware of the three necessary keys for a relationship that I discovered from American Psychology Association.
I am proud to announce that my husband and I have all three attributes I read in one of their articles.
Are you ready for the three necessary keys now? Drumroll please.
They are:
- Admiration
- Appreciation
- Affection
All three necessary keys are built upon the foundation of trust, which takes time.
Ask yourself if your relationships have all three, then work on the weakest one first, or what is missing altogether.
You not only will be happier but will be teaching your children by example. It wouldn’t hurt to have conversations about these keys with your pre-teens and teenagers either. It would enable them to differentiate between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.
Insight into the Keys
Admiration. Admiration is part of God’s design. It is what draws us to one another. God created us to be visual and admire physical traits.
We also can admire one’s talents, personalities, intellect, and character.
I admire my husband’s:
- wide array of skills
- compassion and willingness to sacrifice his own needs
- friendly personality
- wisdom and calming ability
- honesty and character
- phenomenal memory
- speed and agility
- leadership qualities
- knowledge of scripture and living it
- humor
I hit the highlights so as not to bore you by listing the fifty or more I could’ve written, but examples are helpful.
True admiration means you could go on and on talking about whom you love. It isn’t only admiring two or three traits. Admire more than you dislike or find fault with for a healthy relationship.
ACTION STEP
Make a list of ten to twenty specific or general reasons why you admire your spouse or significant other. If single, create a list of what you admire in a best friend or a parent to prepare you for a closer relationship.
Appreciation. One can admire talents and traits without appreciating them. To appreciate takes much observation followed by action.
Appreciation can be shown through words, gifts, and affection. You can: give compliments and praise, do a favor for, send appreciative texts or cards, lift a burden, and put others first.
I appreciate my husband because:
- he listens to my real feelings from my heart without judgement so I am not scared to share them
- when we disagree, he opens another viewpoint for me to think through, rather than telling me I’m wrong, or give in, but has enough courage to tell me the truth when I am wrong.
- he gives support dealing with my sight loss. He is an excellent guide dog and adapted to continuous changes in my capabilities, while supporting my independence with respect and admiration of his own.
- he thinks more highly of me than I view myself, spawning security, encouraging me to do more than I ever dreamed of. He believes in me.
- he cheers me on, rejoices at my successes, pushes when I need pushed, and holds me during tough times. We are a team, share a vision, and make plans together to fulfill it.
I show my appreciation, besides affection, by calling him pet names, saying thank you, and telling him how much I appreciate him. I seek his advice, watch him work, and run errands with him since that is important to him.
ACTION STEP
Make a list of what attributes you appreciate about the person you love and admire, then make a second list of special ways you can show him or her.
Affection. This one is mostly self-explanatory as far as definition goes. Affection is obviously pats, hugs, handholding, caressing, kissing, and more. This is our physical expression of love.
I put It last because that is where it belongs. Affection should be a result of deep admiration and appreciation. We tend to get the cart before the horse and start showing affection as soon as we admire someone at first glance.
One needs to know the difference between love and lust. If it is only a physical attraction, liken it to a house built on sand. When the rain comes, the house will collapse.
The other thing about affection is it burns bright and often in the beginning, then grows dim or burns completely out the longer people are together. If you work at keeping a relationship healthy, affection will be as necessary as water is to our health.
My husband and I:
- Never quit flirting with each other
- Spend quality time together
- Kiss each other hello and goodbye every time we leave, plus other times throughout the day
- Hold hands in the car
- Sit by each other as often as possible, rather than choosing separate chairs
- Hug and pat each other, whether in public or private
- Meet each other’s need for intimacy through good communication and honoring one another
ACTION STEP
Think about the ways you show affection, and more importantly, how often. Can you say without a shadow of a doubt that you are meeting their needs, for we all are unique? We can’t assume our spouse or significant other will speak the same love language as us.
All of these keys are built upon trust. My husband and I completely trust each other to parent, manage money, not flirt with others, and to be there for one another in every situation and circumstance.
Where is your trust level?
The Best Relationship
As stated earlier, we learned about relationships from an early age through observation. Now, you are empowered with the three keys to make your relationships even healthier.
For the best relationship, we need to take these three keys and apply them to the one we have with Jesus Christ
Unfortunately, we grow up basing relationships with our home life and transfer it to our understanding of how we are to relate to God and Jesus. He, too, desires our admiration, appreciation, and affection built on trust.
Start being intentional today by making every relationship a healthy one, especially yours with Jesus Christ.
© 2023, Jena Fellers. All rights reserved.
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