Every loss requires grieving. The problem is many losses are overlooked so aren’t grieved. Not grieving can cause a host of mental health concerns.
I won’t say loss is my middle name, but I will say I am pretty experienced.
At 19, loss became a way of life for me. I was diagnosed with an incurable, progressive eye disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa. This resulted in constant vision loss.
Loss – grieve – adjust. Loss – grieve – adjust. Loss – grieve – adjust.
For almost twenty years the cycle repeated itself. My sight might stabilize for six months before discovering new limitations. Other times two years might pass before any major change, for which I was grateful.
New limitations repeatedly reminded me of what I could no longer do.
I had to grieve – not only once, but over and over again.
Later on, I pastored with my husband and encountered many people suffering from other losses. I assisted them through the grieving process after enlightening them to the need to do so.
I personally encountered many as a parent as well.
Overlooked Losses Requiring Grieving
1. Job Loss
I still remember when the plant my mother worked out moved from Kansas to Virginia. Over 200 men and women she had worked with for years were gone. Over ten years of companionship and routine were no more.
Since this wasn’t death, this major loss is overlooked. Not every job loss affects people the same if no attachment exists.
2. Diagnosis of a major illness or chronic illness
A cancer diagnosis, suffering from a heart attack, or being told you have diabetes are all major game changers in lifestyles.
Not only does doubt and fear of the unknown strike, but so does loss of your routine, eating your favorite things, mobility, hair, or even body parts. It’s a whole new world.
There is so much to learn and adapt to in the midst of sickness while processing bad news and figuring out added responsibilities.
Talk about stressful!
3. Moving
When buying a new house might be fulfilling one dream, one is often surprised at negative moods interrupting their glee.
Maybe you are leaving behind your first home you had so much pride when buying. Maybe you invested money, time, and talent in remodeling, which is a loss, or you might be leaving some precious memories behind.
Even moving from one church to another can be a loss. Friends and familiarity from past years are left behind. The comfortableness of known ways is transformed into new, uncertain ones.
4. Empty Nest
Purpose or identity can easily disappear when the youngest leaves the house. You are not sure what role to play or even what to live for. Absolutely devastating.
I went through similar feelings when going on disability from teaching special education. I would have gone through it again when my youngest married, but had found my passion for writing shortly beforehand.
5. Loss of a Pet
When a pet passes or runs away, the loss is often greater than losing a parent in death. Since pets are often best friends, losing them can be challenging due to their constant companionship and the nurturing they give.
It’s the empty nest reincarnated. If faced with consoling a grieving child, it is harder. It is equally tough for Seniors whose loneliness is magnified without one.
6. Children
Caring foster parents definitely can relate to the loss of a child they have taken care of when releasing them back to a home they have no control over.
Losing a child in a custody battle pains the biological parent with little to no rights. I have witnessed the pain over and over in ministry. Many try to bury the pain, but it often leads them to an addiction of some sort.
Not only are giggles, hugs, and pictures to hang on the refrigerator gone, but it’s replaced with concern and worry about the child’s welfare.
Stepparents experience this on a regular basis – including myself.
Parents of a child born with a disability suffer loss that this child will never grow normally.
7. Temporary Housing
Prisoners, missionaries, residents of nursing homes, those living in rehabilitation centers, and those displaced during natural disasters experience loss.
I sure did when attending the Kansas Rehabilitation Center for the Blind one summer during college.
Freedoms are lost when staying outside your own home and rules are imposed on you. The loss becomes greater as rules become stricter, or more pleasures are removed.
8. Miscarriages
The loss of an unborn child isn’t just a death, but hope stolen. It brings up uncertainties for your future. I never knew if I could get pregnant again after my miscarriage, but did finally.
9. Loss of Innocence
Rape and molestation are crimes stealing a child of their innocence. Left with confusion, a lack of trust, and hurt, they often don’t know how to grieve. Victims frequently end up with bad marriages and much emotional turmoil.
Even when innocence is lost any time before the sanctity of marriage, guilt sets in and requires grieving. Burying emotions doesn’t work.
10. Aging
Getting older is a downhill spiral of one loss after another, paralleling my vision loss. Unable to move as quick, remember tasks, or have strength and endurance from younger years, has to be grieved as recognized. Thank God for grandchildren to give new life.
11. Natural disasters
The partial loss of a home, or the entire thing brings shock initially, followed by reminders for the rest of your life, like your favorite bowl to cook in is gone, or your Christmas tree was destroyed. What about that special keepsake or a lost journal?
12. Those With Addictions
A child’s bright future is stolen bit by bit as the addiction worsens. His/her abilities shrivel before your eyes. Family members watch personalities change while dependency grows and manipulation roars its ugly head.
The pain intensifies as your help is never good enough and the addict shreds the giver to pieces with hateful speech and false accusations.
Can you tell I have experience with this loss as well?
Family members bounce from loss to anger with no real answers other than prayer.
When you find yourself experiencing one of these unexpected losses, give yourself permission to grieve.
It’s not CRAZY – IT IS A NECESSITY!
Likewise, acknowledge others going through these often overlooked losses. be a friend to listen, love, and show support.
Stages of Grief
Stage 1: Denial and isolation – known as shock or disbelief; a conscious or subconscious refusal to accept facts, or face reality
Stage 2: Anger – contains much pain and guilt; realizing a significant loss raises madness with much frustration; can be manifested in several ways
Stage 3: Bargaining – seeking answers in a manner of wanting to trade in a give and take fashion since anger demands reaction. “if I give something, I can get something in return.”
Stage 4: Depression – succumbing to the realization nothing you can do will give you satisfaction, hope can be temporarily lost upon reflecting, leaving you lonely
Stage 5: Acceptance – knowing you can move forward in some form or fashion.
Personally, I find Rick Warren’s 6 stages much easier to understand what you’re going through, and has a Biblical basis.
1. SHOCK (denial).
2. SUFFERING is the pain usually resulting in anger
3. STRUGGLE (bargaining). This is where all the why questions are asked, yet can’t be figured out, often leading to depression.
4. SURRENDER – Upon realizing there are no answers, or the ones you get don’t give you peace, you begin to place your trust in God.
5. SANCTIFICATION
6. SERVICE – we feel better when we use our pain and struggles to give to others. Definitely worked in all of our local tornadoes, and is highly recommended for recovery to addicts.
God can turn any test into a testimony for His glory.
What You Should Know About Grieving
Many misperceptions exist about grieving. Remember, every loss requires grieving. Losses closer to home take longer to process than those we hear on the news. Same thing when several losses occur within a short time frame.
1. While everyone is unique, everyone goes through each stage of grief mentioned above, even if time intervals vary.
2. Know it is normal when these feelings, or emotions, overtake you. Every stage is normal when it comes to grieving any level of loss.
3. Stages of grief aren’t necessarily travelled in order, but generally do.
4. There isn’t an expected length of time for each stage, and your emotions and thoughts can bounce between some of them simultaneously.
5. Facing grief solo isn’t necessary, and definitely not recommended. Both Christian counseling and regular counseling is available, as well as speaking with a pastor, friends, and others. Support groups can be a blessing.
6. Beware of getting stuck in a stage, or having an elongated or delayed time of grieving. This is abnormal.
7. Not having a social network can also inhibit the grieving process. In the past, I’ve witnessed false expectations since comparisons can’t be made. People have said, “I should be over this by now,” “I’m a man, I shouldn’t be crying,” or “I know better than to act this way.” Another reaction is, “I must be crazy,” and “I don’t understand.” All normal thoughts.
I pray this article helped. If it did, please share with a friend, and prayerfully consider donating to this ministry.
© 2022, Jena Fellers. All rights reserved.
Very helpful article and things to think about. You are right, many of these things we just look at as a normal part of life and move on without taking the needed time to grieve the loss.
Good Morning Jena!
This is a very beneficial article….
I can really relate to what you have written and I to can better relate to your second stages of grief listed.
My greatest help through the grieving process has been my time spent alone with God. He has helped me through the loss of my home and through the loss of my husband.
I know you can relate and have grieved many things. The Lord is our ever present help in time of need!
Love & Blessings of hope and peace,
Robin Rutledge